Don’t Handle

I wonder what makes up a person’s "energy", that vibe that you feel immediately upon meeting them. Does it come from the way that they connect with you? Is it something in their expression, in their stance, in their gaze, or is it how all of the pieces come together, their dress, their total presentation of themselves?

I’ve never been the person that people automatically hug upon meeting. I see someone doing the greeting rounds, and they will suddenly pull back when it comes to me, extending a hand rather than a two-arm embrace. This remains true for just about every age, gender, and disposition. When needing to be told news that may not be particularly positive, I note that regardless of who is doing the telling, they will often approach me with such hesitancy that the anxiety in having to deliver the message often takes on its own life form. I also find it strange that many will not make or hold direct eye contact, (as a side note, I also find that blushing is not uncommon, though this, as opposed to other awkwardness I admit that I do find attractive, perhaps this is a conversation for another time). In the past, I put these types of reactions down to simply the fact that I rode a large bike, wore leathers, and bore tattoos (during a period when tattoos were reserved for sailors and inmates) and that I presented as a stereotypical troublemaker- this, of course, was more related to a self-confidence and arrogance associated with youth rather than any real, tough/trouble making reality. As I matured and the leather was replaced with tailor-made clothing, I put the reaction down to it being related to the professional positions I held, the titles on the business cards, and the automatic deferment that comes when one is standing in front of students in a lecture theatre. But I soon realized that the reactions were not contained to the professional realm; strangers met in a social situation would be first to move aside and were too quick to apologize for the slightest infringement.

I don’t believe that I’m particularly physically imposing; I stand at 5’8, have all my teeth, and my tattoos are easily covered (no face, chest, leg, or neck art). I don’t have any exposed scars that would suggest that I have a history of knife fights, and I rarely use profanity. I’m not a loud person; I don't raise my voice or actually even talk too much (unless the subject matter has me enthralled). I drink socially, but not often to the point of intoxication, and the only drug I use involves my recent return to cigarette smoking (a COVID lockdown legacy). My hair is barber cut short, and I don’t wear any jewelry or cosmetics, but if these things in themselves were cause for the reaction, then many who chose to present this way would suffer a similar fate, and my experience is that all do not.

It is not that I want to be hugged; in fact, it's my preference not to have someone else take the initiative in any type of physical contact, but I do not enjoy being the cause of someone else’s uneasiness. Intimidation has its place, and I admit that in my life that there have been occasions when it has kept me from being seriously hurt, but it is rarely called for, and should, in my opinion, be something that can be drawn upon when needed rather than being a default setting. So, I’ve been thinking about what it is about me that makes me seem so unapproachable, and I recalled a conversation from many years ago where someone stated that they believed that if I were a tree abundant with fruit, I would give away every last piece of myself to every deserving person; where on the other hand they would just simply give to any that asked. I don’t think I smile enough; when I do, it is genuine, but I require a cause. It's as though my attention, even a smile, has to be earned. And I wonder if, in my pursuit to remove “time-wasting” clutter from my life, I have perhaps, albeit unconsciously, made a clear distinction between those who are worthy and those who are not, and in doing so, I have become ungenerous.