Just a Butch.

I’m a Stone Butch, I don’t yearn for male identity, but in my rejection of the feminine I, by default, acquire masculine characteristics. I do not have an abhorrence to femininity in and of itself; in fact, I find femininity in others exceptionally attractive; the extreme discomfort comes from it being in any way assigned to my own identity.

In truth, I really don’t care very deeply whether strangers recognize me as female or mistake me for male. Although, because I’m not a particular admirer of the male, I must admit that I don’t feel 100% at ease with having others view me as such.

In my early research days, my project required that I spend a significant amount of time surrounded by male company, and presenting as I do, I found during that time that very quickly I was able to assimilate to the extent that the men naturally included me as one of their own. This position though extremely advantageous for my research, and despite sharing many commonalities among members of certain groups such as art, theatre, music, literature, travel, cars, sport, etc., I can honestly say that I did not feel any kinship or connection. To a lesser degree, I have on occasion been included in social gatherings of heterosexual women, again as a group, regardless of any common interest, their conversation felt just as alien and completely unrelatable. So here we have the importance of an identity that is independent of the binary; my world makes sense in a female-bodied one where attraction exists between the masculine and the feminine. Life experiences, our attractions, and how we connect with the world around us, I will argue, can provide the strongest bond.

This opens up yet another area of curiosity; women who are attracted to men but will have a dalliance with a Butch or the Butch who pursues a relationship with a heterosexual woman. Here I’m not discussing the woman who suddenly has an aha moment realizing that men might have simply been an occupational hazard, something they got involved with until they became aware of the existence of Butch, but rather a woman who is genuinely attracted to the male, and in this vein sees very little, other than an anatomical difference, in partnering with a Butch. And to the Butch who accepts the male as being on the same playing field, is the assumption that is being made by both that Butch and male are interchangeable?

I can not speak for others, but from a personal perspective (and with the benefit of a little study), I will offer why male and Butch are so very different.

Regardless of want or any personal attributes, men begin life as the son; male privilege is bestowed. Men, simply due to their sex, inherit rights that are built into the language; by default, they benefit from many advantages in society- they are less likely to be interrupted, more likely to be heard, they are afforded more space. They have less cause to feel threatened, are more often the perpetrator, are more likely to be financed, get hired, and be promoted, and see projections of themselves on TV wearing a cape and being the hero. Butches begin life looking for where they fit in; they know rejection, they are without role models close by or on the big screen. The young Butch struggles with the embarrassment of trying to buy clothes that are made for a different body. The verbal abuse, deep-cutting insults, and physical hits can come from gangs, the man standing behind the counter, or the woman in a twinset and pearls carrying a bible under her arm. For the male, the display of confidence is simply a reflection of being the cause of celebration; for the Butch, the bravado is a metaphysical suit of armor. Butch enters every day with a requirement to explain and defend. Butch needs to earn the right to simply be. Men find comfort in packs; the Butch is alone.

The male is at ease and confident in staying with their assumptions, but for the Butch, communication is complicated. They do not know what you see when you look at them, so will speak less, listen longer, and watch closer. While desire is universal, what satisfies is not. The male can default to mechanics that are motivated by self-fulfillment. If the Butch is in the driving seat, practicalities necessitate not just creativity but an understanding of how fulfillment is found; the requirement is for the focus to be not on the self but on the other.

For me, the commonalities between man and Butch end with masculinity. And though I understand why some may try to make the attributes of both interchangeable, after all, it is easier to explain what we are most familiar with; I believe that in doing so, there is so much that is lost, so much that is never realized, both for the Butch, and those with a wish to love them.