The femme

I’ve talked about attraction and the many myriads of coupling that can exist, but most of us try to find some category to put each one in. Sexual and Romantic attraction, as expressed as a person’s sexual orientation, often influences how we view the world; it adds a certain filter to the glasses we wear. We will often see it influence our word choice in the language we use in everyday conversation. It also impacts who we define as “our” community. There is opposite-sex attraction (Heterosexuality), same-sex attraction (Homosexuality), and those attracted to masculinity (Androsexuality) or femininity (Gynosexuality) regardless of the sex, while others are only attracted to masculinity or femininity if exhibited by a particular sex. And then there are those who make life all the more confusing by being attracted to everyone or no one.

So perhaps important that we define the terminology before we enter into any meaningful discussion. And while I willingly accept that, like everything, the exact definitions are open to debate; I’m choosing to use commonly accepted definitions.

First, a person’s sex is all about the physical attributes they were born with or assigned at birth. This is the biological as determined by their anatomy, resulting in the birth certificate being marked as either male or female.

Gender, unlike sex, is unrelated to anatomy. Rather gender relates to behavior and presentation pertaining to femininity (femaleness) and masculinity (maleness). Gender norms are society's expectations that require masculinity to be aligned with the male sex and femininity to be aligned with the female. Non-binary and genderqueer are examples of terms we may use when we do not identify, exclusively or at all, with gender norms.

And here it gets interesting.

Let’s imagine a line, and at either end are the extremes of masculinity and femininity, now society accepts that our sex can exhibit a range of gender traits but within limits; if the traits move outside of the range deemed appropriate for the sex, then confusion arises; sometimes even disgust, fear, alienation and sadly aggression, can be targeted towards the very feminine male or masculine female, and this is irrespective of sexual orientation.

As a Stone Butch, I live at the extreme end of the unacceptable range, the space where how I present does not align with my sex, and my attraction is to those at the other end of the spectrum, those whose female sex does align, i.e., femmes. However, gender alignment to sex is only a small part of the equation, for as we know, a femme is defined by many other characteristics, and while this in itself is controversial as the label has been appropriated by others who do not share these criteria I’m about to offer, I’m old, and I live in a Butch-femme world, so I’m going to use my understanding of the ButchFemme dynamic where attraction exists between masculine female-bodied and the feminine female-bodied. And while I recognize that feminity and masculinity can sit anywhere on the spectrum, this particular dynamic requires that attraction exists between those who sit on one side of the spectrum and those who sit on the other.

As I’ve said, the femme is female-sexed and feminine. And perhaps this is a good space to mention that this is inclusive of trans, those who have had their sex reassigned. The controversial criterion that I next give is that what is important for me in recognizing someone as femme is that they are attracted to Butch; for it is this gravitation, this way of having lived, that was either the impetus or maybe instead the result of, that provides the many things that are unique to femmes. This is the woman who sits at the bar, always bored by all the attention she gets from the men stumbling around her, but blushes and becomes flustered, and perhaps in the moment, forgets how to be flirtatious when she spots a Butch. And like an invisible thread pulling her in that direction, she instantly recognizes who they are while everyone else in the poorly lit room calls them Sir. The femme, most importantly, is brave; they are not afraid of being exposed; in fact, they desire it, tired of the assumptions that they don’t live or want to live in a queer world. They do not hesitate to take the Butches hand in public, have become slightly jaded by the ignorant who constantly ask why she doesn’t want a real man, and her low-key disposition will instantly be replaced with a terrifyingly protective force if she believes that the Butch is being threatened. She knows which words and pronouns to use and understands the avoidance of public washrooms and why the Butch’s newly acquired clothes are tried on at home instead of at the store. She is outwardly confident and carries herself that way, exposing her insecurities only to the Butch, who she knows wants her to see what they see when they look at her, an amazing, beautiful femme.